National Cattle Insemination Service or NCIS according to SHIELD
by 2hearts1soul
Summary: The Alphabet soup of law enforcement federal agencies in DC hate the intelligence agency SHIELD with a passion. Especially since they try and head hunt their best agents. DiNozzo only went out for a coffee for the love of all things celluloid. But he wasn't averse to teaching a rather gorgeous SHIELD agent a few lessons in inter-agency co-operation.


Special Agent Tony DiNozzo didn't even bother to sigh as he watched his boss storm across the Bullpen towards the Director's office. He knew that Gibbs knew that his voluble and loud, extremely loud protests to Director Morrow would get nowhere. Not that the stubborn ass former Marine Gunnery Sergeant would acknowledge it but from his mouth to God's ear, sometimes the obstinate Gunny was out… gunned.

Tony was not sure that the SHIELD even recognised NCIS as part of the Federal Agency Alphabet Soup in DC.  
He knew from Fornell's incessant bitching whenever they crossed paths that the Feebs couldn't get any cooperation out of those bastards and NCIS was so far down in the Alphabet soup hierarchy that Tony was not even sure that ridiculous pirate guy Colonel N Fury (Ha Colonel his fine Italian ass) and his mysterious minions knew what the acronym stood for. Though supposedly the super-secret master spy leader of the super-secret Agency was omnipotent. Snort. How could anyone take an intelligence Agency named SHIELD seriously? Especially when their Director looked like a Goth Emo reject? (He made a note to himself that he would never mention that around Abby)

He had once heard one of their supercilious so called Agents refer to NCIS as the National Cattle Insemination Service when he, Gibbs and Ducky had turned up at a crime scene.  
Oddly enough it was the usually gentle courteous and civilised Ducky who had actually torn the idiot man in black a new one, whilst he and Gibbs had sniggered helplessly into their coffee cups standing there watching the wee Scotsman rip into the unfortunate fellow (One of Ducky's more polite terms) including a detailed and disappointed diatribe about the guy's manners, intelligence, and unflattering cheap suit.

Tony had gleefully announced back in the orange ball pit that "Dr Mallard sure gave SHIELD the bird".  
He didn't mind the crumpled paper balls and groans thrown his way, the stapler was a bit much but hey he had dodged the incoming Gibbs head slap and grinned with triumph at making Ducky laugh.  
He had waited years to be able to use that one liner!  
Needless to say SHIELD's MIB's always gave Ducky a wide berth anytime they had crossed paths since which just widened the smug smirks Tony and Gibbs sent their way until of course the SHIELD bastards stole their cases right out from under them.

And here they were again. Tony had opened the email at the same time as Gibbs, he didn't even have time to count to three before he saw the steam issuing from Gibb's nostrils, he'd got to five when Gibbs office chair had been flung back (the abuse that poor piece of furniture suffered was unreal) and he'd made it to seven point five before Gibbs size tens were hitting the stairs towards a long suffering Tom Morrow.

Tony decided it was time for a coffee.

The student serving him was briskly efficient. Cute kid, as soon as she saw Tony step through the door she would start on the usual order. In return Tony always conducted the conversation in Italian as she was hoping to spend a gap year there. He had taught her some really useful phrases including the statement "if you don't remove your hand I will remove your dick".

He was just launching into a spirited Italian version of his drive to the coffee shop and its attendant insanity when a mild mannered cough interrupted him and a bland voice offered an apology in the same language to the kid as a hand took Tony's elbow gently but firmly and tried to steer him towards a booth at the back.

As a Senior Field Agent, Tony was always willing, able and happy to reinforce a learning opportunity for those less experienced than himself. This was a perfect one to indicate how to deal with over familiar morons.

In a clear and carrying voice Tony repeated the phrase he had taught young Hannah "if you don't remove your hand I will remove your dick" and was pleased when both the student recognised it and the hand dropped hastily away. Bless her heart but young Hannah turned a disapproving stern frown upon the instigator of the uttered phrase and she was about to open her mouth to obviously berate said instigator into leaving. (Young Hannah was delightfully protective over Tony for some reason, even going so far as to frown at Gibbs when he had once smacked Tony's head in retaliation for something whilst they were waiting for their drinks and mutter loudly about inappropriate professional law enforcement behaviour. The only time Gibb's coffee order was correct these days was if Tony actually came to get it himself. Cute Kid)

But in a pre-emptive move, Tony swung to face the owner of the importuning hand.

Black suit, bland smile, balding, blue intense searching eyes and a badge. For a second, Tony considered FBI, then as his gaze swung instinctively about the room (he wasn't NCIS best undercover operative for nothing) and took in the view outside through the large picture windows, he picked up the smouldering sex bomb redhead sipping at the Coffee house version of Russian tea at the table nearest the exit and the flash of metal on the roof top opposite. The redhead was wearing an unobtrusive ear piece. Rather fancier than the standard issue at NCIS but perfectly obvious if you knew what to look for. And Tony knew what to look for.

So back up inside and a marksman on the roof opposite. A tad excessive for the Federal Bureau of Idiots even taking into account Agent Slacks er Sacks. His gaze clashed once more with the man in black and he couldn't resist. He sighed and rolled his eyes at the man.

One of Fury's minions then. For fuck sake, he already had to deal with Gibbs bad mood this morning, now he had to deal with one of SHIELD's hot little numbers hijacking his sacred coffee time. Because Mr MIB might try to camouflage it, but god damn he was hot like burning.

Tony's green eyes lit from within with determined mischief as he decided a little pay back for this morning's drama was in order. To be fair, there had been more than enough incidences of SHIELD drama in the Bullpen lately so they had it coming.  
Oddly enough Mr MIB seemed to pale a little when blue eyes clashed with green as if he could actually read Tony's mind. Hmm, the possibilities. All the lovely possibilities.

Tony turned on his megawatt smile and stared straight into those delightful baby blues. "Now what can a lowly federal agent do for the super-secret boys own club?"

Irritation flashed across the said blue eyes but the bland smile remained though it became a little more fixed.

"Mr DiNozzo" he began, voice strong and soft, a delicious combination that Tony would love to hear more of but he teasingly cut him off. Another perfect training opportunity just begging to be used.  
"Naha, Very Special Agent DiNizzo my good Sir. Very. Special. Agent" he purred the last three words seductively as he took a step closer into the guy's personal space. The MIB gave a tense smile.  
Out of the corner of his eye Tony saw the red head deliberately finger a pastry knife. Tony's satisfied smirk grew.

He drew a breath, stepped back then finished coldly and deliberately.

"Senior Field Agent of the National Cattle Insemination Service. Did you need our impregnation department or the sperm collection unit?"

Tony stared at the master super-duper spy king of the government hill, his very own self. The Goth Emo Pirate shrouded in leather from head to toe had swept into the coffee shop with the rest of his be suited boring armed minions. The red head and the sexy no name agent had pulled up chairs very close to the table where he had been ordered to park his butt. Young Hannah had been spitting mad, but she and the rest of the customers had been escorted from the premises before the orders had actually evolved into a conversation.

"DiNozzo I want to offer you a job" the Spymaster began without preamble. "Got one" Tony answered dismissively. He flicked back the sleeve of his fine Armani suit jacket and looked at his watch with a slightly exaggerated sigh.

The bastard talked over the top of him. "You have an instinct for undercover work that would be beneficial to my organisation and therefore the world."  
He spoke the words as if that was going to impress Tony. Well shit maybe it did a little (so perhaps Tony had a tiny praise kink from men who were old enough to be his father so what meh) but there was just one problem. Tony believed in Justice for the victim, he had become a cop because of it and he had transferred to NCIS because of it when shit hit the fan in Baltimore.  
From what he knew of SHIELD, that was not even a consideration in their usual mission objectives. They called themselves the good guys but they seemed to tread a very fine line. And all the cases that NCIS had been thrown off had never resulted in justice for the victims. Only in super secret containment for whatever weird ass reason SHIELD wouldn't share. (That was presumption on Tony's part because Tony's clearance level was not that high. For all he knew the bastards could be patting the perps on the back and telling them not to be so obvious the next time.)

"Got one" he repeated calmly "and I like it".

Fury snorted "Don't waste your life because you have Daddy issues kid. Gibbs is good but not that good and you will be tied to the same position for years whilst you handle his fall out."

The good Colonel's reputation as a hard ass had preceded him but unfortunately for him, Tony worked with Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Practically the first thing the former Marine had told him was that the second B stood for Bastard. Fury's little snit didn't even come close to rattling him.

Tony snorted derisively. "Seriously Colonel, your Agency has the cheapest suits I have ever seen, and I work with the Federal Bureau of Indigents. Armani is not spelt Walmart. And if that was an example of a honey trap you could have at least let the guy buy me dinner before crashing our date"

Fury scowled at him. "You are a smart ass DiNozzo, if you won't join SHIELD then I will ask your Director to assign you the task of liaison. You can work with my senior Agent here" he waved a hand towards the honey trap who still hadn't opened his mouth "and keep that god damn whining stubborn ass ex Gunnery Sergeant out of my hair"

"I hate to break it to you Director but you don't have any hair and how the hell do I work with Agent No Name? Shall I just call him Agent Agent?" Tony turned up the asshole act. He was sure that Director Morrow would only be amused because he didn't like Fury either.

Tony almost missed the way the redhead smirked and inclined her head as if something was said through her ear piece. Agent Agent was more circumspect, his face impassive but the way his eyes flashed quickly towards the exterior of the building warned of dire retribution.

Tony grinned openly. This was going to be such fun.

One year later.

"Agent Agent god damn it why is there flour all over that tasteful silk tie I gave you for our anniversary?" Tony's pissed off voice could be heard from the bedroom. Coulson knew he was in serious trouble because Tony only ever used that nickname when he was way beyond angry and into his "Fury-ous" phase. And that was even worse. Because the NCIS agent only ever used the SHIELD director's surname as a reference to his state of anger. Using the two together meant it was time to bring out the diplomatic big guns. Coulson needed to unashamedly bribe his gorgeous partner with some esoteric knowledge or a movie reference.

"Well a funny thing happened on the way to …"

* * *

AN:

No infringement Intended. This was inspired by a prompt on A03. This was not a ship that I have ever considered but it seems to have inspired this cracky little fic. Season 1 Tony would be such a little shit to the bland BAMF Coulson (and everyone else in SHIELD). Don't bother your heads about timelines because I haven't. I just didn't want the complications of Kate, McKee and Ziva, so roughly season 1 for NCIS and pre Thor's arrival so I suppose Iron Man is out there blowing up weapons somewhere

Yes they are together at the end but most of the story is pre-slash. I have also referenced that glorious one shot Marvel film of Coulson, the bag of flour and the convenience store... Tony would be drooling if he saw that. So hope you enjoy this little tongue in cheek story. I enjoyed writing it :)


End file.
